Looking back at the failure of my previous blog, I realized that I had a consistent problem; every time I tried to write an entry, it would devolve into a rant. Regardless of my original intention, I would end up spitting venom and getting myself worked up.
I realize that this is largely because of how frustrated I am with things. Now, obviously there are many things to be frustrated by, but for this post I’ll focus on autism and autism-adjacent subjects.
Like many autistic people, I’ve been through hell and back because of the ableist attitudes that permeate society. From being made to feel like I’m ‘too much’, to seeing people say things so disgusting and cruel that I can’t bring myself to repeat them here, I have witnessed and experienced so much cruelty and abuse towards myself and my autistic siblings.
And it makes me furious.
So, whenever I’m given a platform where I’m allowed to talk about the injustices our community faces, I do. But in doing so, I work myself up and trigger myself all over again. I become a ball of rage and spite, and all I can focus on is my own rage (my BPD definitely does not help here, seeing as it acts like fuel to the fire).
But like Razer in Green Lantern the Animated Series, I am trying to learn how to temper and control that rage. Because while righteous fury is most certainly a thing, without the proper guidance and focus, it’s dangerous. Anger can be honed into a powerful tool, but like all tools, that means it can also be a weapon. And unfortunately in my case, that weapon is a double-edged sword.
Because while my outbursts and rage have definitely hurt others, it also hurts me. It exacerbates my already fragile mental health, and it causes me to burn out quickly.
So from this point forward, I pledge to follow in Razer’s footsteps, and work to hone and control my rage, so that I may use it as a tool for good. To use it as a fire to keep myself going as I fight for myself and others.
Autism-related specifically, I intend to use it to help me become the autistic adult I needed when I was younger. To spread awareness and acceptance of the autistic experience in my town, and to help in online spaces as well.
I know it will be hard, but in the end I know I can do it. Because after all:
All Will Be Well